Shyness is often thought to be a behavioural glitch. New research demystifies the idea. Shyness is not a medical disorder, a cause for parental anguish, or societal prejudice. It is a personality ‘type’ — one that is unique to each individual as their fingerprint. In other words, the problem of shyness is not shyness. It is the other person’s view. It has got nothing to do with ‘brow science’ scrutiny — that a shy individual is doomed to a life on the fringe. This is also one reason why most people think of a shy individual as being devout — one who takes refuge in spiritual pursuits, or theology, to get over a certain disadvantage. Well, the fact is the opposite — shy people are adept at learning and in interpreting realistically what others think of them. They also make good friends and move comfortably in social circles, albeit they may tend to be more at ease with ‘select’ individuals, not everyone. Research also underscores the tenet that a shy individual can do what everyone can — despite their shyness — but within the framework of their shy personality.
To paraphrase Murray Stein, MD, MPH, and John Walker, PhD, authors of the insightful book, “Conquering Social Anxiety Disorder,” “Shyness and social anxiety occur in children as also adults. Remember, many adults with social anxiety disorder say their problems began when they were much younger. Most often, their symptoms are not recognised as problems by teachers, counsellors, coaches or, sometimes, even parents. When children are far too young, shyness is often viewed as an endearing trait, as in, ‘Look how shy she is, hiding her head in mommy’s shirt. Isn’t that cute?’ When children are of pre-school age, it is common for them to exhibit shyness behaviours such as ‘stranger anxiety’ — remaining too quiet around people with whom they are not familiar, or clinging to daddy when in a novel situation. These kinds of behaviours are not, within reason, abnormal in a pre-schooler. They are, however, abnormal in a fifth-grader.”
Jerome Kagan, PhD, a psychologist at Harvard, believed that some shyness is ‘hardwired’ — to make shy individuals ‘freeze’ in unfamiliar situations, or keep them quiet in the presence of strangers, or avoid new stimulus, or withdraw into themselves when stressed. He evidenced that 20 per cent of children are born with a shy, or inhibited temperament. He also believed that the brains of shy children are more easily aroused to anticipate fear and danger, when other children do not sense any trouble. To look at the other end of the spectrum — 40 per cent of children are born with relaxed, easy-going personality traits. They do not react with apprehension, or anxiety, to new situations. The inference is obvious — if the first two groups represent introversion and extroversion, the remaining 40 per cent of children ought to be placed somewhere in-between.
When parents understand the nature of shyness and society’s reaction to it, they often begin the task of supporting their shy child as they learn new skills, while taking charge of their actions and reactions with better effect. As Ward Swallow, MD, a paediatric psychiatrist, observes, “Your [parental] attitude towards shyness affects your child’s vision of oneself. If you think that shy children are weak characters, your child will perceive themselves as weak and undeserving. If, on the other hand, you see shyness as just one part of your child’s ‘multi-faceted personality,’ they will accept it and, most importantly, remain open to your ideas about how to manage.” What does this signify? That shyness is nothing to be afraid of.
From the integrative, or mind-body, perspective shyness has a good side to it. Most people who are shy are often imaginative, perceptive, and thoughtful. Hence, the role of experience is as important as upbringing — because shyness is determined by nature and also nurture. As Christine Hohmann, PhD, a neuroscientist, articulates, “The genes are the bricks and mortar to build the brain, while the environment is the architect.” Her prescription — it is best to revere your child’s style, even if research takes its own time to ‘tweak’ the genes that determine shy tendencies, more so because children come into the world with a partially-written script.
This explains why environment, parenting, and opportunities, have a bearing on the kind of individuals they become. In other words, knowing is one thing, but respecting and honouring your child’s, or anyone’s, shy type of interacting with the world holds the key to making sure their temperament does not ‘trip’ later in life.
— First published in First India
